Masculine Philosophy

The  Journey of Man

When  I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a  girlfriend.
         
When I was 16 I got a  girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate  girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a  passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency;  she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I  decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I  was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally  predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull  that I decided that I needed a girl with some  excitement.

When  I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She  rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did  mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was  great fun initially and very energetic, but had no direction. So I  decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I  turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly  on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me  and took everything I owned.

I am now older and  wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

Global Facts

The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:

Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.

Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.

Fact: 37,000,000 are getting/giving oral sex.

Fact: 1 lonely f*cker is reading emails...

- You hang in there sunshine! 
  
 

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

& Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

& Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

& Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

& Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

& Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

& Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

& Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

& Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

& Law of Bio mechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

& Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

& The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

& Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

& Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

& Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

& Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

& Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

& Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

& Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

& Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

The Cabbie & the Nun

A cabbie picks up a Nun.  She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.  He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me.  When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.  I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:  #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says.  "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned.  I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK.  My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party." 

Why do we love children?

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when
a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from
the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note
from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child
are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her
struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer
the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.
She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with
ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in
amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a
little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at
my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued
writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask
the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well,
then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please
tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking,
and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back
there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van n.
Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by t he various appliances of old age,
particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her
staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself
for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw
her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that
suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister
heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his
5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that
proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and
cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the
deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with
sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father
always
said: 'Glory be unto the Faa a ather, and unto the So o nnn, and into the hole
he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just
wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write,
and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old
leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's
Adam's underwear!'

How the fight started

How the fight started      1)     After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.   I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.  The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.  She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'  and she processed my Social Security application.   When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped  your pants.    You might have gotten disability, too'     And then the fight started.....    ********************************************************************   2) My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school  reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.  My wife asked,  'Do you know her?'      'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'    'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'    And then the fight started..... ****************************************************************** 3)   I rear-ended a car this morning.  So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.  You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?   Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!    He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM   NOT   HAPPY!!!'    So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'    And then the fight started... ..  *********************************************  ***********************   4)  A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.   She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel  horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'  The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'   And then the fight started ....

OPEC minister on truth serum to the yankees

The OPEC minister would look you in the eyes and say:

"We are at war with you infidels. Have been since the embargo in the
1970s. You are so arrogant you haven't even recognized it. You have more
missiles, bombs, and technology; so we are fighting with the best weapon we
have and extracting on a net basis about $700 billion/year out of your
economy. We will destroy you! Death to the infidels!

While I am here I would like to thank you for the following:       


1) Not developing your 250-300 year supply of oil shale and tarsands. we
know if you did this, it would create millions of jobs for US citizens,
expand your engineering capabilities, and keep the wealth in the US instead
of sending it to us to finance our war against you stupid people

2) Thanks for limiting defense dept. purchases of oilsands oil from your
Canadian
neighbours to the north. We love it when you confuse your allies. 


3) Thanks for over regulating every segment of your economy and thus
delaying, by decades, the development of alternate fuel technologies. 


4) Thanks for limiting drilling off your coasts, in Alaska , and anywhere
there is a bug, bird, fish, or plant that might be inconvenienced. Better
that your people suffer! Glad to see our lobbying efforts have been so
effective.

5) Corn based Ethanol. Praise Allah for this sham program! Perhaps you will
destroy yourself from the inside with theses types of policies. This is a
gift from Allah, praise his name! We never would have thought of this one!
This is better than when you pay your farmers NOT TO GROW FOOD. Have them
use more energy to create less energy, and simultaneously drive food prices
through the roof.
Thank you US Congress!!!! 


6) Thank you for letting us fleece you without end. You will be glad to know we
have been accumulating shares in your banks, real estate, and publicly held
companies. We also finance a good portion of your debt and now manipulate
your markets, currency, and economies to our benefit. 


After we take over your country, I will read this warning to again-this time
on your national television.  I will do this just to let you know how blind
and pathetic you really are!


THANK YOU AMERICANS!'