How to survive a shark attack

1. DON'T SWIM IN THE OCEAN
Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in exceptionally large bodies of water also known as oceans. The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the water. If it's salty don't go in.

2. LISTEN OUT FOR THE MUSIC
In the event that you are foolish enough to swim in an ocean, listen carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvellous documentary film Jaws. All shark attacks are preceded by the "daah-da, daah-da" chords, which will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets closer. This is due to the Doppler Effect.

3. SWIM WITH FAT PEOPLE
Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions. If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan lotion with Daddies Sauce. This will definitely improve your odds.

4. DON'T GO INTO THE WATER WITHOUT A KNIFE
This is not to defend yourself but to stab the person (aka the decoy) closest to you in the case of a shark attack. Once you are sure the "decoy" is bleeding profusely... swim for your freakin' life.

5. DON'T PANIC
In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm. This really won't help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will appreciate you not shrieking madly, as this is quite unsettling and can really spoil a wonderful day out. Remember it's not always about you!

Fun Things To Do in an Elevator

1.  Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing the buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your cell phone?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

A few one-liners

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin  unprotected.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Anyone who says 'Easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried it.

"Not a Morning Person" doesn't even begin to cover it.

Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.

"Happiness is a warm puppy", said the Anaconda.

A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act them out.

On the other hand, you also have 5 fingers.

Say it with flowers - Give her a triffid.

Consider what might be fertilizing the greener grass across the fence.

I hate laundry month.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

My computer NEVER cras

If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you have it made.

Living on Earth includes an annual free trip around the Sun.

Not many people realize just how well known I am.

Should I weed the lawn or say it's a garden?

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday

VD is nothing to clap about.

Next time you wave at me, use more than one finger, please.

668 - Neighbour of the Beast

All stressed out, and no one to choke...

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Get the facts first - you can distort them later!

As a matter of fact, no, I don't have a life.

Blood is thicker than water, and tastier.

Did you expect mere proof to sway my opinion?

He's dead Jim. Grab his tricorder. I'll get his wallet.

If it has feelings, it's not cooked enough!

Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise

If it screams it's not food......yet

Don't play stupid with me! I'm better at it.

Eat Crap! 10 Trillion flies can't be wrong

Fat person: Nutritional Overachiever

I've been seduced by the chocolate side of the force.

Winter is nature's way of saying "up yours".

Air is water with holes in it.

Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C: mean?

I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth, the doctor scolded my mother on her poor choice of IUDs.

I miss my ex..... but my aim is getting better

Men have a keener sense of humour than women.  The more they humour us, the more we like it.

Marriage is a great institution; but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I intend to live forever - so far so good.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

I started out with nothing. I still have most of it.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me.  It's the sudden stop at the end.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Some folks talk so much that you can get hoarse from just listening.

My wife and I have a perfect understanding; I don't try to run her life and I don't try to run mine.

Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

FAITH CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS - she's a big girl.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.

Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

Love is grand.  Divorce is at least 20 grand.

Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?

Not all women are annoying. Some are dead.

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

Smart is when you only believe half of what you hear. Brilliant is when you know which half to believe.

First God created man....then he got a better idea.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Cats... the other white meat.

I think animal testing is a terrible thing. They get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Outside of a dog, man's best friend is a good book.  Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

When the cat's away.....you won't have to change the litter box

Friends help you move.  Real friends help you move bodies.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals then why are they made of meat?

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

We have a enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART

Women who seek to be the equal to men lack ambition.

Magic Maths

This is quite an incredible math phenomenon.

Grab a calculator (you won't be able to do this one in your head)

1. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the Area code)
2. Multiply by 80
3. Add 1
4. Multiply by 250
5. Add to this the last 4 digits of your phone number
6. Add to this the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
7. Subtract 250
8. Divide number by 2

Recognise the answer ?

Strange but true Warnings

On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.

On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.  DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) DO NOT TURN UPSIDE
DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.  (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)

On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm
curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts - INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)

On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (!)

On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

So you thought you knew everything!

Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second was William Jefferson Clinton.
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
On average people fear spiders more than death.
Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
A snail can sleep for three years.
No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!!
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
All polar bears are left handed.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.