Teacher asked what my favorite animal was...

and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

Why do we love children?

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when
a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from
the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note
from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child
are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her
struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer
the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.
She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with
ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in
amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a
little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at
my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued
writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask
the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well,
then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please
tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking,
and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back
there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van n.
Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by t he various appliances of old age,
particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her
staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself
for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw
her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that
suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister
heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his
5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that
proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and
cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the
deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with
sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father
always
said: 'Glory be unto the Faa a ather, and unto the So o nnn, and into the hole
he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just
wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write,
and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old
leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's
Adam's underwear!'

Permission to date daughter

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________  DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________  WEIGHT____________  IQ__________  GPA Grid_____________

INCOME TAX FILE NUMBER _________________  DRIVERS LICENCE ________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________  STATE___________  POSTCODE______

Do you have parents?                     ___Yes  ___No
Is one male and the other female?  ___Yes  ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
     _____________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
      ____________________________________________________________________




ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van?        __Yes  __No

B. A truck with oversized tires?                     __Yes  __No

C. A waterbed?                                            __Yes  __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back?         __Yes  __No

E. A tattoo?                                                 __Yes  __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring,             __Yes  __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY.  I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

      ______________________________________________________________

      ______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

      ______________________________________________________________

      ______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

      ______________________________________________________________

      ______________________________________________________________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

Father?  _____________

Mother?_____________

Priest or Pastor? _____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank.  Please answer freely all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

      ______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

      ______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

      ______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

      ______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to be IF you grow up?  _______________________________

      ______________________________________________________________

      ______________________________________________________________

F:  When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

      ______________________________________________________________

G:  What is the current going rate of a motel room?  __________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
INDIGENOUS AUSTRALIAN BULL ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION,
CHINESE WATER TORTURE and RED HOT POKERS

_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


_______________________________      ________________________________
Mother's Signature                                              Father's Signature

_______________________________      ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi                                            State or Federal Government Representative
_______________________________      (Their stamp goes here )
Notary Public

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.  Please do not try to call or write.  If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.  (You might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.



Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):

Rule One:  If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a carton of beer, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me.  You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.  If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.  

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.  Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.  

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you.  Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.  Please do not do this.  The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.  This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.  Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.  If you make her cry, I will make you cry.  

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.  If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.  My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge.  Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?  

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool, places where there is darkness, places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.  Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.  Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Cricket games are okay...Old folks homes are better.  

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me.  I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been.  But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.  

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid.  It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.  As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight.  Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside.  The camouflaged face at the window is mine.  

Why God made Mums

Why God made Mums -- BRILLIANT Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions!!


Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother & not some other Mum?
1. We're related
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mums like me.

What kind of little girl was your mum?
1. My mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mum need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mum marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a clot.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between mums & dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but mums have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to
sleep over at your friend's.
4. Mums have magic; they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mum perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.