Blondes and Crocs

A blonde was on holiday and driving through Darwin. She desperately wanted
to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay
the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of
one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then maybe I'll just go
out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free."

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and
give it a try!"

The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the
side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in
the murky water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge three metre croc swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning speed, she takes the aim, kills the creature and hauls it
onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were seven more of the dead
creatures, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

The blonde struggled and flipped the croc onto its back. Rolling her eyes
heavenward and screaming in frustration, she shouts out..."Damn damn damn
damn damn! This one's barefoot, too!"

Blonde Hole diggers

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.  One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill  the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.  An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but could not understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it --   why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"  The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

Blonde Teacher

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.  

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.  

'You ok?' she says.  

'Yes.' he says.  

'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.  

'It's best I stay here.' he says.  

''Why?' says the blonde.  

The boy says:

'Because I am the f#cking goalie' 

Body Pain

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.  She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.  Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"

She says "No, I'm really a blonde".

"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."

Two Chimps and a Blonde

 

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego  when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man  walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to San Diego?   'Sure,' answered  the blonde, 'do you need a lift?'   'Not for me. I'll be spending the  next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in  the back who have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a  bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day.  Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble.'   'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees  were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and  carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went. Five hours  later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was stunned to see the blond woman; she was walking down the  street holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big  crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to her.  'What the heck are you doing here?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take  these chimpanzees to the zoo.' 'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,'  but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World.'

 

Blondes

FORGETFUL BLONDE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

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OVERWEIGHT BLONDE
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds". When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow? my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll
tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from all that skipping."

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RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

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KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
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BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

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SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

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THE VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
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THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde" She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note:
"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"

Jigsaw Puzzle

Three blondes walk into a bar and ask the bartender for three shots of tequila. He looks at them and says, "OK," and pours their shots. They all clink glasses and and yell "51 days!" Then they proceed to slam the shots, looking very self-satisfied.

They look back to the bartender and decide to order another round. This time they pick up the glasses again and, more gleefully yell, "51 days!"

The bartender finally can't stand wondering what they are talking about and asks them what they mean by 51 days.

One of the blondes looks at him and says, "Well," looking very smug, "we just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It took us only 51 days. And on the box it said 2-4 years!"