40 things you will NEVER hear a redneck say

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Dale Earnhardt?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of wine cooler for the Super Bowl.
10. Twinkies have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "My name is Earl" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

A Redneck and His Dog

One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The redneck said it was his.

'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The redneck replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs bred.'

'No way,' said the redneck. 'That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin'.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!'

(You gotta love this)



The redneck looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'

Redneck Love Poem

Susie Lee done fell in love,
She planned to marry Joe;
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, Susie Gal
You'll have to find another,
I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know
But, Joe is yo' half brother.

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will,
But after telling Pappy this
He said, "There's trouble still.

You can't marry Will, my Gal,
And please don't tell you' Mother,
But Will and Joe, and several mo'
I know is your half brother."

But Mama knew and said, my Child,
Just do what makes yo' happy,
Marry Will or marry Joe,
You ain't no kin to Pappy.

V8 Chainsaw

Hillbilly Dayvorce

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.

The lawyer said, "How can I help you?"
The farmer said, "I want to get one of them dayvorces."
The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres."
The lawyer said, "No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?
The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays."
The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.
The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said,"Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere."
The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?"
The farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30."

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question. The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?"
The farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce."

Redneck Special Forces

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the US REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF).

These North Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and will be given the following facts about Terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK.