Sunday, December 6, 2009

Funny slogans to make you smile...

I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.


Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough. 


Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss. 

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.


Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! 


In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday. 


A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory 



I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other. 


Tasmania :
Two million people,
Fifteen last names. 


Dyslexics Have More Nuf.


I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food. 


money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch. 


Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.. 


Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things. 


Corduroy pillows are making headlines! 


I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.


Did you hear about the dyslexic, insomniac, agnostic?
He lay awake at night wondering if there was a Dog.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Tiger Jokes

What does Tiger Woods have in common with baby seals?

They both get clubbed by Norwegians.

  

 

That's the first time Tiger Woods has failed to drive 300 yards.

 

  

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree – he couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

Perhaps Tiger should have used a driver.

 

 

 

I find it's a nightmare driving at 2.05am – sometimes you can't see the Woods for the trees.

 

 

Tiger's wife went for him over a birdie.

 

  

What was the second worst part of Tiger's car accident?

The police found the driver in the trunk.

 

  

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? 

They went clubbing.

 

  

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? 

Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

 


Sunday, November 15, 2009

Texas Justice

A woman was called in front of a Texas grand jury for manslaughter after she shot a mugger 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse. 

He grabbed the purse and ran, she had her hand on the gun in it, and was left with the revolver in her hand. 

When asked by the grand jury why she shot the man 6 times in the back as he was running away, she replied under oath: 

"Because when I pulled the trigger the 7th time it only went click" 

Acquitted all charges.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Hunter shoots wife

Whilst cleaning his rifle a hunter accidentally shoots his wife. 

In his moment of horror and distress he immediately dials 111.

Hunter: 

''It's my wife! 

I've accidentally shot her. 

I've killed her! 

It's horrible. 

Help me. 

What should I do?''

Operator: 

''Please calm down Sir.

I have dealt with many such accidents. 

This situation may not be as serious as it first appears.

Can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

*click* *BANG*

Hunter: 

''Okay, done that. What next?''

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

They Walk Among Us!


No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG - www.avg.com
Version: 8.5.424 / Virus Database: 270.14.47/2478 - Release Date: 11/03/09 07:36:00

How about these . . . .

They Walk Among Us & Many Work Retail

 I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her & told her that she had made a mistake in MY favour.  She became indignant & informed me she was Educated & knew what she was doing, & returned the money again. I gave her the Money back...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.

 I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl & she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free," she said, "so I guess they're both free"
 She handed me my free Lattes & I walked out the door.

 While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
 When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, & has for sometime, she shook her head & said, "Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff."

 I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call centre. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call centre was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

 My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

 My friends & I were on a beer run & noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% & gave us a 20% discount.

 I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office & told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled & told me not to worry because she was a trained professional & I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"


 While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man Ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone & the cook asked Him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

Monday, August 3, 2009

Friday, June 5, 2009

The Irish Blonde

The Irish Blonde

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet Twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope
you Don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude..'

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed 'YES,YES, I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her Clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumb founded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are stupid; not all blondes are dumb; but all men are men

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Friday, May 22, 2009

How to survive a shark attack

1. DON'T SWIM IN THE OCEAN
Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in exceptionally large bodies of water also known as oceans. The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the water. If it's salty don't go in.

2. LISTEN OUT FOR THE MUSIC
In the event that you are foolish enough to swim in an ocean, listen carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvellous documentary film Jaws. All shark attacks are preceded by the "daah-da, daah-da" chords, which will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets closer. This is due to the Doppler Effect.

3. SWIM WITH FAT PEOPLE
Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions. If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan lotion with Daddies Sauce. This will definitely improve your odds.

4. DON'T GO INTO THE WATER WITHOUT A KNIFE
This is not to defend yourself but to stab the person (aka the decoy) closest to you in the case of a shark attack. Once you are sure the "decoy" is bleeding profusely... swim for your freakin' life.

5. DON'T PANIC
In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm. This really won't help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will appreciate you not shrieking madly, as this is quite unsettling and can really spoil a wonderful day out. Remember it's not always about you!

Fun Things To Do in an Elevator

1.  Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing the buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your cell phone?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Job of a lifetime.

TRUE STORY: (Apparently!)

Outside Bristol Zoo there is a car park for cars and coaches. There also used to be a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5. This parking attendant worked there for all of 25 years , then one day just didn't turn up for work...

"Ho hum", said Bristol Zoo Management - "better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant"......

"Err no", said the Council, "that car park is your responsibility"...

"Err no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?".....

"Err NO!"

Sitting in his villa in Spain is a bloke who had been taking the car park fees for Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years......

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Careful what you wish for...

A young fella wakes up with an almighty hangover in a mansion surrounded by the most beautiful women he has ever seen.

He looks around and sees gold bullion and jewels sparkling in the sunshine.

He thinks he must be dreaming until he sees a small brass lamp on the table and vaguely remembers some of the night before....
finding the lamp on the beach....
the genie popping out when he rubbed it.....

The granted wishes....he looks around, he remembers the first wish again.
To be surrounded by beautiful women all day....he looks lustifully at the women.....

The second wish to live like a king and have a king's ransom...he eyeballs all the gold and jewels again....

The third wish.....
he smiles and goes to open his robe but as he does there is a crash at the door and a large man dressed in a Klu Klux Klan outfit storms in and drags him outside to an awaiting posse....

He throws a noose around his neck an hoists him high over a branch....

Just as the young fella is dying the Klan member rips his hood of and asks the guy...

Look I can understand the first two wishes...the women and money...

but why the hell would you want to be hung like a black man??

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Man Flu

1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*.
*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)

2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.

3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' – which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.

4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in.

5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it

6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).

7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.

8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell off.

9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim of Man-Flu.

10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has remarkable soothing powers.

Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we'll beat this monstrous disease together.

Shorties

1. Two blondes walk into a building........ .. you'd think at least
one of them would have seen it

2. Phone answering machine message - '.....If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks
are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied 'I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. 'That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have
a look at him'. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he
checks his teeth. Finally, the vet says, 'I'm going to have to put
him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'.

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck
up my backside.' '...How's that?'
'Don't you start.'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you
give me a lift?' I said 'Sure. You look great ... the world's your
oyster ... go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The
other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery
acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today.' They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
Fine.' 'So that was nice of them.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in
several places'. The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'.
'Doctor, doctor when I bend my arm like this it hurts.' 'Well don't
do it!'

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Smart Computer

In the Computer Science Dept. at King's College, University of London they built this super computer with artificial intelligence

that could carry on a conversation with anyone at their relative intelligence level.

All one had to do was type in their IQ and the computer, through its' voice activated-sound generating processor, would begin the conversation.

So they thought they would test it out on several of the King's faculty.

The first faculty member typed in his IQ at 187 and a bunch of lights on the computer began flashing,

then it began a conversation with the scientist on the origins of the universe, mathematical proof of the existence of black holes, and existential philosophy.

The second faculty member then typed in an IQ of 179 and again lights lit up on the computer

(not quite as many as the first faculty member, but...)

and it began a conversation with the scientist about molecular biology, brain surgery and international monetary policy.

When they tested it on the third faculty member, his finger slipped at the keyboard and typed in 73 instead of 173.

Not much happened -- just one little light, in the upper right hand of the computer display, slowly dimmed then grew stronger, then dimmed...

Finally the computer said....








"So, how's the Harley running'?"

Thursday, January 15, 2009

15 reasons for a Goldwing to be stopped on the side of the road

1. The cappuccino machine needs cleaning.
2. His co-rider fell asleep and he hated to wake her.
3. He needed to put 10 new CDs in to the CD changer.
4. The refrigerator mounted on the trailer can't keep the ice cream frozen on hot days so he stopped to eat it.
5. He had a fax coming in on the first line, so he thought he'd better disconnect the modem from the second line in case someone was trying to reach him on the helmet phone.
6. The last big bump made the lazy boy seat come to a full upright position, so he had to stop and adjust it.
7. His tax accountant has scheduled a conference call with his portfolio manager, and he wanted to take a few notes.
8. He just crossed a time zone and he needed to reset the VCR to record the right program for him to watch tonight.
9. His A/C vents were pointed too far into the wind stream to keep him cool.
10. He has a 200-mile gas tank range but a 175-mile bladder range.
11. He stopped to take the chocolate chip cookies out of the oven, but now the ice cream is all gone, so what can he eat with them?
12. He was confirming tonight's reservation at the Hilton 800 miles ahead.
13. He wanted to colour in another country on his travel map.
14. He had a bug splattered on his chrome and he needed to polish it before it dried on.
15. He stopped to help the Harley that was stopped along the road

Monday, January 12, 2009

10 peeves that Dogs have about humans

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all !!!
2. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.  Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9.Dog sweaters. Hello ???, Haven't you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these thing's, We both know who's boss here!!! You don't see me picking up your poo do you ???

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex.

That Makes everything better and I go to work… You try that.'
 
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel Great. I be at work soon........
You got nice house

Monday, January 5, 2009

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Male v. Female Perspectives

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female.. The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.. A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 . REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
She said . . .You wear pants don't you?

He said... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ...Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said ... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said ... We don't know; it has never happened.

He said ... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said ... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.