The Death of English?

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the European Union rather
than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-
year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.
In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in
favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have
one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond
year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will
make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag
is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vordskontaining
'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in
ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

Offensive language

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues. Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1. Try Saying: I think you could do with more training

Instead Of: You don't have a f*cking clue, do you?

2. Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter.

Instead Of: She's a f*cking power-crazy b*tch

3. Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late

Instead Of: And when the f*ck do you expect me to do this?

4. Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible

Instead Of: F*ck off a*se-wipe

5. Try Saying: Really?

Instead Of: Well f*ck me backwards with a telegraph pole

6. Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with...

Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a f*ck.

7. Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project.

Instead Of: Not my f*cking problem, mate.

8. Try Saying: That's interesting.

Instead Of: What the f*ck?

9. Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.

Instead Of: No f*cking chance mate.

10. Try Saying: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in

Instead Of: Why the f*ck didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11. Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issues

Instead Of: He's got his head up his f*cking a*se.

12. Try Saying: Excuse me, sir?

Instead Of: Oi, f*ck face.

13. Try Saying: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway

Instead Of: Yeah, who needs f*cking holidays anyway.

Irish medical dictionary

Irish Medical Dictionary
 

Artery                          The study of paintings
Bacteria                        Back door to cafeteria
Barium                         What doctors do when patients die
Benign                          What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section        A neighbourhood in Rome
Catscan                        Searching for Kitty
Cauterize                      Made eye contact with her
Colic                            A sheep dog
Coma                           A punctuation mark
Dilate                           To live long
Enema                          Not a friend
Fester                           Quicker than someone else
Fibula                           A small lie
Impotent                       Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain                  Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff                A Doctor's cane
Morbid                         A higher offer
Nitrates                        Cheaper than day rates
Node                           I knew it
Outpatient                    A person who has fainted
Pelvis                           Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative             A letter carrier
Recovery Room           Place to do upholstery
Rectum                         Nearly killed him
Secretion                      Hiding something
Seizure                         Roman emperor
Tablet                           A small table
Terminal Illness             Getting sick at the airport
Tumour                        One plus one more
Urine                            Opposite of you're out
 

New Words for 2007

• SALAD DODGER: An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
• SWAMP-DONKEY: A deeply unattractive person.
• TESTICULATING: Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
• BLAMESTORMING: Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
• SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and Then leaves.
• ASSMOSIS: The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
• SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
• CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
• PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)
• SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".
• SINBAD: Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
• AEROPLANE BLONDE: One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
• PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
• ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.
• GOING FOR A McSHIT: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.
• 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.
• AUSSIE KISS: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
• OH - NO SECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just Made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').
• GREYHOUND: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
• JOHNNY-NO-STARS: A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
• MILLENNIUM DOMES: The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from The outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.
• MONKEY BATH: A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".
• MYSTERY BUS: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
• MYSTERY TAXI: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10 Pinter in your bed instead.
• BEER COAT: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise At 3:00am.
• BEER COMPASS: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.
• BREAKING THE SEAL: Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
• TART FUEL: Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
• PICASSO BUM: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's Got 4 buttocks.
  

Words with Alternate meanings

The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries:

• Coffee (n.) a person who is coughed upon.
• Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained.
• Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
• Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.
• Willy-nilly (adj.) impotent
• Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
• Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.
• Gargoyle (n.) an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
• Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
• Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.
• Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an exam.
• Rectitude (n.) the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
• Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
• Circumvent (n.) the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
• Frisbeetarianism (n.) The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
• Pokemon (n) A Jamaican paroctologist.
• Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.
• Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
• Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
• Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
• Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
• Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
• Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
• Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)
• Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
• Glibido: All talk and no action.
• Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you have been smoking marijuana.

And, the pick of the year:

• Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole