Teacher asked what my favorite animal was...

and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

A frog goes into the bank...

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy an Eldorado and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

(Are you ready???)

(You're gonna hate me!)

The bank manager looks back at her and says:
"It's a knick-knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."A frog goes 

How to survive a shark attack

1. DON'T SWIM IN THE OCEAN
Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in exceptionally large bodies of water also known as oceans. The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the water. If it's salty don't go in.

2. LISTEN OUT FOR THE MUSIC
In the event that you are foolish enough to swim in an ocean, listen carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvellous documentary film Jaws. All shark attacks are preceded by the "daah-da, daah-da" chords, which will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets closer. This is due to the Doppler Effect.

3. SWIM WITH FAT PEOPLE
Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions. If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan lotion with Daddies Sauce. This will definitely improve your odds.

4. DON'T GO INTO THE WATER WITHOUT A KNIFE
This is not to defend yourself but to stab the person (aka the decoy) closest to you in the case of a shark attack. Once you are sure the "decoy" is bleeding profusely... swim for your freakin' life.

5. DON'T PANIC
In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm. This really won't help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will appreciate you not shrieking madly, as this is quite unsettling and can really spoil a wonderful day out. Remember it's not always about you!

10 peeves that Dogs have about humans

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all !!!
2. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.  Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9.Dog sweaters. Hello ???, Haven't you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these thing's, We both know who's boss here!!! You don't see me picking up your poo do you ???

Cadbury Gorilla - In The Air Tonight (Extended Mix)

Just because I like it!

Cow Economics

Economic Models explained with Cows - 2008 update

 

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour.

 

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

 

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

 

NAZISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you.

 

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

 

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

 

SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

 

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

 

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity

swap with an   associated general offer so that you get all four

cows back,

with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.

No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.

 

THE ANDERSEN MODEL

You have two cows.

You shred them.

 

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

 

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

 

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

 

 AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

 

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

 

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

 

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

 

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.

 

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.

 

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.

 

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

 

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive.

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be 9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount. For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Yep! Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be 32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time?" "Well,' says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agreed with everything I say."

The Decoy

Brilliant!

Man's Best Friend

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this quick experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, who is really happy to see you!

Three Holy Men and a Bear

 

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to
another,  and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven  days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.  Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.  So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of  God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In hi s best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle.  We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said,  he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."  

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

 

Talking duck

A duck walks into a pub and orders a schooner of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck". "I see your eyes are working", replies the duck. "And you talk!" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?". "I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck. Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!". "Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call". So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!" "Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?" "At the circus", says the barman. "The circus?" the duck enquires. "That's right", replies the barman. "The circus?" the duck asks again. "Yes" says the barman "That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires. "Yeah" the barman replies. "With all the animals?" the duck questioned. "Of Course" the barman replies. "With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck looks confused. "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?"

 

Advice from a Vet

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner in from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in a large towel and get partner to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to partner's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, so as to leave the head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the f***ing cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of raw fish. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get partner to drive you to Casualty, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1. Wrap it in bacon.

The Elephant

While on holiday in Kenya and walking through the bush a man comes
across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant
seems distressed so the man approaches very carefully. He gets down on
one knee and inspects the bottom of the elephants' foot only to find a
large thorn deeply embedded.

Carefully and as gently as he can he removes the thorn and the elephant
gingerly puts its foot down. The elephant turns to face the man and with
a rather stern look on its face, stares at him. For a good ten minutes
the man stands frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant turns and walks away.

For years after the man often remembers and ponders the events of that
day .

One day, many years later, the man is walking through the zoo with his
son. As they approach the elephant enclosure, one of the elephants turns
and walks over to where they are standing at the rail. It stares at him
and the man can't help wondering if this is the same elephant. The man
climbs tentatively over the railing and makes his way into the
enclosure. He walks right up to the elephant and stares back in wonder.

The elephant gazes at him, looking deep into his eyes.

Suddenly the elephant wraps its trunk around one of the man's legs and
swings him wildly back and forth along the railing, smashing him apart
and instantly killing him...

Probably not the same elephant then.

Toilet