The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.
He made a special target of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
Showing posts with label People. Show all posts
Showing posts with label People. Show all posts
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Texting for Seniors - Something to look forward to...
The kids have all their texting codes...like
BFF (best friends forever)
WTF (what the f***?)
LOL (laughing out loud)
So why not some codes for seniors:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
LWO - Lawrence Welk's On
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again
WTP - Where's the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!
BFF (best friends forever)
WTF (what the f***?)
LOL (laughing out loud)
So why not some codes for seniors:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
LWO - Lawrence Welk's On
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again
WTP - Where's the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Job of a lifetime.
TRUE STORY: (Apparently!)
Outside Bristol Zoo there is a car park for cars and coaches. There also used to be a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5. This parking attendant worked there for all of 25 years , then one day just didn't turn up for work...
"Ho hum", said Bristol Zoo Management - "better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant"......
"Err no", said the Council, "that car park is your responsibility"...
"Err no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?".....
"Err NO!"
Sitting in his villa in Spain is a bloke who had been taking the car park fees for Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years......
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Careful what you wish for...
A young fella wakes up with an almighty hangover in a mansion surrounded by the most beautiful women he has ever seen.
He looks around and sees gold bullion and jewels sparkling in the sunshine.
He thinks he must be dreaming until he sees a small brass lamp on the table and vaguely remembers some of the night before....
finding the lamp on the beach....
the genie popping out when he rubbed it.....
The granted wishes....he looks around, he remembers the first wish again.
To be surrounded by beautiful women all day....he looks lustifully at the women.....
The second wish to live like a king and have a king's ransom...he eyeballs all the gold and jewels again....
The third wish.....
he smiles and goes to open his robe but as he does there is a crash at the door and a large man dressed in a Klu Klux Klan outfit storms in and drags him outside to an awaiting posse....
He throws a noose around his neck an hoists him high over a branch....
Just as the young fella is dying the Klan member rips his hood of and asks the guy...
Look I can understand the first two wishes...the women and money...
but why the hell would you want to be hung like a black man??
He looks around and sees gold bullion and jewels sparkling in the sunshine.
He thinks he must be dreaming until he sees a small brass lamp on the table and vaguely remembers some of the night before....
finding the lamp on the beach....
the genie popping out when he rubbed it.....
The granted wishes....he looks around, he remembers the first wish again.
To be surrounded by beautiful women all day....he looks lustifully at the women.....
The second wish to live like a king and have a king's ransom...he eyeballs all the gold and jewels again....
The third wish.....
he smiles and goes to open his robe but as he does there is a crash at the door and a large man dressed in a Klu Klux Klan outfit storms in and drags him outside to an awaiting posse....
He throws a noose around his neck an hoists him high over a branch....
Just as the young fella is dying the Klan member rips his hood of and asks the guy...
Look I can understand the first two wishes...the women and money...
but why the hell would you want to be hung like a black man??
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Man Flu
1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*.
*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)
2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.
3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' – which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.
4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in.
5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it
6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).
7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.
8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell off.
9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim of Man-Flu.
10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has remarkable soothing powers.
Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we'll beat this monstrous disease together.
*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)
2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.
3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' – which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.
4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in.
5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it
6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).
7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.
8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell off.
9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim of Man-Flu.
10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has remarkable soothing powers.
Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we'll beat this monstrous disease together.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Smart Computer
In the Computer Science Dept. at King's College, University of London they built this super computer with artificial intelligence
that could carry on a conversation with anyone at their relative intelligence level.
All one had to do was type in their IQ and the computer, through its' voice activated-sound generating processor, would begin the conversation.
So they thought they would test it out on several of the King's faculty.
The first faculty member typed in his IQ at 187 and a bunch of lights on the computer began flashing,
then it began a conversation with the scientist on the origins of the universe, mathematical proof of the existence of black holes, and existential philosophy.
The second faculty member then typed in an IQ of 179 and again lights lit up on the computer
(not quite as many as the first faculty member, but...)
and it began a conversation with the scientist about molecular biology, brain surgery and international monetary policy.
When they tested it on the third faculty member, his finger slipped at the keyboard and typed in 73 instead of 173.
Not much happened -- just one little light, in the upper right hand of the computer display, slowly dimmed then grew stronger, then dimmed...
Finally the computer said....
"So, how's the Harley running'?"
that could carry on a conversation with anyone at their relative intelligence level.
All one had to do was type in their IQ and the computer, through its' voice activated-sound generating processor, would begin the conversation.
So they thought they would test it out on several of the King's faculty.
The first faculty member typed in his IQ at 187 and a bunch of lights on the computer began flashing,
then it began a conversation with the scientist on the origins of the universe, mathematical proof of the existence of black holes, and existential philosophy.
The second faculty member then typed in an IQ of 179 and again lights lit up on the computer
(not quite as many as the first faculty member, but...)
and it began a conversation with the scientist about molecular biology, brain surgery and international monetary policy.
When they tested it on the third faculty member, his finger slipped at the keyboard and typed in 73 instead of 173.
Not much happened -- just one little light, in the upper right hand of the computer display, slowly dimmed then grew stronger, then dimmed...
Finally the computer said....
"So, how's the Harley running'?"
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex.
That Makes everything better and I go to work… You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel Great. I be at work soon........
You got nice house
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Male v. Female Perspectives
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female.. The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.. A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 . REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;
He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
She said . . .You wear pants don't you?
He said... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ...Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said ... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said ... We don't know; it has never happened.
He said ... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said ... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female.. The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.. A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 . REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;
He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
She said . . .You wear pants don't you?
He said... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ...Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said ... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said ... We don't know; it has never happened.
He said ... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said ... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Masculine Philosophy
The Journey of Man
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but had no direction. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but had no direction. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
The Cabbie & the Nun
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
How the fight started
| How the fight started
| ||
|
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Men have better friends
Proof that Men Have Better Friends...
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.
**********************************************************************
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was
still there.
**********************************************************************
Thursday, August 7, 2008
The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins
to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: 'Hello'
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'
MAN: 'Yes'
WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's
only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008
models. I saw one I really liked.'
MAN: 'How much?'
WOMAN: '$90,000
MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is
back
on the market. They're asking $950,000'
MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really
a pretty good price.'
WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'
MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'
bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins
to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: 'Hello'
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'
MAN: 'Yes'
WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's
only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008
models. I saw one I really liked.'
MAN: 'How much?'
WOMAN: '$90,000
MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is
back
on the market. They're asking $950,000'
MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really
a pretty good price.'
WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'
MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Interesting facts from around the world
Interesting facts from around the world
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with
animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a
male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's
genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the
examination.
He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they
look different reversed?)
*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a
corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased
must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)
*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is
decapitation. (Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel
the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the
privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it
is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a
minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes
close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill
her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The
husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her
husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room
to witness the act. (Super!!)
*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have
sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was
a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending
machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a
vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for
consumption on the premises.' (Is this a great country or what? Though
not as great as Guam!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And some interesting little-known facts: Banging your
head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for this
stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex
for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30
times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when
intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...? - - did the govt. pay
for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some
people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like
that too)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last.....Turtles can breathe through
their ass. (I know people who can talk through theirs!)
Interesting Human Body Facts
The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.
A full bladder is roughly the size of a softball.
It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.
Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate. .. . ...they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!
Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
The average woman is five inches shorter than the average man.
Scroll down to the bottom please.......
Still looking at your thumb, aren't you ?
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Westies
Q. Two West Auckland guys jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.
Q. What does a West Auckland girl use as protection during sex?
A. A Bus shelter.
Q. What do you call a West Auckland Boy in a suit?
A. The defendant.
Q. Why did the West Auckland guy cross the road?
A. To start a fight, with a complete stranger, for no reason whatsoever.
Q. What do you call a West Auckland girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
Q. If you are driving and you see a Bloke from West Auckland on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.
Q. What's the first question during a West Auckland quiz night?
A. What you looking at?
Q. Two West Auckland Blokes in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The police!
Q. What do you say to a West Auckland person with a job?
A. A Big Mac please.
Q. What's the difference between a West Auckland boy and a West Auckland girl?
A. A West Auckland girl has a higher sperm count
Monday, June 30, 2008
40 things you will NEVER hear a redneck say
40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Dale Earnhardt?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of wine cooler for the Super Bowl.
10. Twinkies have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "My name is Earl" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Dale Earnhardt?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of wine cooler for the Super Bowl.
10. Twinkies have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "My name is Earl" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Geography Lesson
FEMALE GEOGRAPHY
- Between 18 and 25, a woman is like Africa : wild, naturally beautiful and full of mysterious, fertile deltas.
- Between 26 and 34, a woman is like America : well-developed and open for trade, especially for those with stacks of money.
- Between 35 and 44, a woman is like India : sensual, relaxed, in full bloom, aware of her beauty.
- Between 45 and 54, a woman is like France : deliciously mature, still a pleasant destination to visit.
- Between 55 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia : a lost war, haunted by the mistakes of the past.
Major reconstruction work is mostly the only answer.
- Between 61 and 65, a woman is like Russia : vast, with undefined frontier.
- Between 61 and 65, a woman is like Russia : vast, with undefined frontier.
The cold climate puts off any potential visitors.
- Between 66 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia : a glorious past, great conquests, but without a future.
- After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan: many know its whereabouts, but no-one dares to venture there...
MALE GEOGRAPHY
- Between 66 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia : a glorious past, great conquests, but without a future.
- After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan: many know its whereabouts, but no-one dares to venture there...
MALE GEOGRAPHY
- Between 15 and 90, a man is like Zimbabwe: ruled by a dick...
Thursday, June 19, 2008
A Redneck and His Dog
One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'
The redneck said it was his.
'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The redneck replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs bred.'
'No way,' said the redneck. 'That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin'.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!'
(You gotta love this)
The redneck looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'
The redneck said it was his.
'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The redneck replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs bred.'
'No way,' said the redneck. 'That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin'.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!'
(You gotta love this)
The redneck looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'
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