"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."Author Unknown
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." Jeff Foxworthy
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." Dave Barry
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." Bob Ettinger
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in thelake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teachyou how to swim."Paula Poundstone
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men." I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Huh?"Conan O'Brien
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness.... I could be eating a slow learner." Lynda Montgomery
"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner."Roseanne
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" Richard Jeni
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."Johnny Carson
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."Paul Rodriguez
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law."Jerry Seinfeld
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" Warren Hutcherson
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."Oscar Wilde
"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet."Mae West
"Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress .... But I repeat myself."Mark Twain
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."A. Whitney Brown
"Women complain about pre-menstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."Roseanne
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" Dave Barry
"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."George Carlin
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." Lewis Grizzard
Advice for the day: If you have a lot a tension and you get a headache,do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep awayfrom children"Author Unknown
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."Drew Carey
Showing posts with label Quotes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Quotes. Show all posts
Friday, January 25, 2008
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Clarksonism's
"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases."
Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom."
"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you've got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."
"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."
About the Porsche Cayman S: "There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean."
"...the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany."
"America: 250 million w****rs living in a country with no word for w****r."
On the Alfa Romeo Brera... "I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather and I'm nursing a semi!"
Clarkson on the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s" and ends with "t" and its not "soot".
Hammond: "So its fairly terrible then?"
Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league of badness!"
"some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people - and that he long before anyone else realised that Jade Goody is a racist pig faced waste of blood and organs............all we know, is that he's called the Stig!"
"the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite."
"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's what gets you."
"The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw."
"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"
"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler."
(Fed up during the caravanning trip): "You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"
(Mercedes CLS55): "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."
"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"
Clarksons highway code on cyclists: "trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."
"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating N**i."
"Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair access."
"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"
On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French Air Force crashing into a firework factory."
"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the tailgate..."
"In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was."
"the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them."
Assessing Hammond's crash: Clarkson: "you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. Now why didn't you spot that?!"
Hammond: "I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph."
Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, but if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"
"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved...for a murderer."
"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time."
"There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face."
"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face."
"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."
"you can't have this car with a diesel, its like saying, I wont go to stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lapdance, she's a woman!"
"Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President."
Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne! "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."
Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom."
"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you've got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."
"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."
About the Porsche Cayman S: "There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean."
"...the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany."
"America: 250 million w****rs living in a country with no word for w****r."
On the Alfa Romeo Brera... "I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather and I'm nursing a semi!"
Clarkson on the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s" and ends with "t" and its not "soot".
Hammond: "So its fairly terrible then?"
Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league of badness!"
"some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people - and that he long before anyone else realised that Jade Goody is a racist pig faced waste of blood and organs............all we know, is that he's called the Stig!"
"the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite."
"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's what gets you."
"The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw."
"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"
"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler."
(Fed up during the caravanning trip): "You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"
(Mercedes CLS55): "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."
"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"
Clarksons highway code on cyclists: "trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."
"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating N**i."
"Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair access."
"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"
On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French Air Force crashing into a firework factory."
"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the tailgate..."
"In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was."
"the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them."
Assessing Hammond's crash: Clarkson: "you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. Now why didn't you spot that?!"
Hammond: "I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph."
Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, but if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"
"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved...for a murderer."
"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time."
"There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face."
"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face."
"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."
"you can't have this car with a diesel, its like saying, I wont go to stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lapdance, she's a woman!"
"Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President."
Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne! "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."
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