Blonde Hole diggers

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.  One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill  the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.  An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but could not understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it --   why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"  The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

Cow Economics

Economic Models explained with Cows - 2008 update

 

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour.

 

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

 

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

 

NAZISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you.

 

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

 

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

 

SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

 

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

 

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity

swap with an   associated general offer so that you get all four

cows back,

with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.

No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.

 

THE ANDERSEN MODEL

You have two cows.

You shred them.

 

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

 

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

 

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

 

 AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

 

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

 

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

 

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

 

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.

 

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.

 

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.

 

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

 

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive.

Blonde Teacher

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.  

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.  

'You ok?' she says.  

'Yes.' he says.  

'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.  

'It's best I stay here.' he says.  

''Why?' says the blonde.  

The boy says:

'Because I am the f#cking goalie' 

Permission to date daughter

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________  DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________  WEIGHT____________  IQ__________  GPA Grid_____________

INCOME TAX FILE NUMBER _________________  DRIVERS LICENCE ________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________  STATE___________  POSTCODE______

Do you have parents?                     ___Yes  ___No
Is one male and the other female?  ___Yes  ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
     _____________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
      ____________________________________________________________________




ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van?        __Yes  __No

B. A truck with oversized tires?                     __Yes  __No

C. A waterbed?                                            __Yes  __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back?         __Yes  __No

E. A tattoo?                                                 __Yes  __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring,             __Yes  __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY.  I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

      ______________________________________________________________

      ______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

      ______________________________________________________________

      ______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

      ______________________________________________________________

      ______________________________________________________________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

Father?  _____________

Mother?_____________

Priest or Pastor? _____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank.  Please answer freely all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

      ______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

      ______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

      ______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

      ______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to be IF you grow up?  _______________________________

      ______________________________________________________________

      ______________________________________________________________

F:  When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

      ______________________________________________________________

G:  What is the current going rate of a motel room?  __________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
INDIGENOUS AUSTRALIAN BULL ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION,
CHINESE WATER TORTURE and RED HOT POKERS

_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


_______________________________      ________________________________
Mother's Signature                                              Father's Signature

_______________________________      ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi                                            State or Federal Government Representative
_______________________________      (Their stamp goes here )
Notary Public

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.  Please do not try to call or write.  If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.  (You might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.



Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):

Rule One:  If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a carton of beer, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me.  You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.  If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.  

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.  Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.  

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you.  Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.  Please do not do this.  The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.  This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.  Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.  If you make her cry, I will make you cry.  

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.  If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.  My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge.  Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?  

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool, places where there is darkness, places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.  Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.  Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Cricket games are okay...Old folks homes are better.  

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me.  I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been.  But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.  

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid.  It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.  As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight.  Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside.  The camouflaged face at the window is mine.  

Fwd: FW: FW: Gas Cartoons

 

V8 Chainsaw