Funny slogans to make you smile...

I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.


Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough. 


Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss. 

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.


Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! 

In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday. 


A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory 



I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other. 


Tasmania :
Two million people,
Fifteen last names. 


Dyslexics Have More Nuf.


I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food. 


money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch. 


Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.. 


Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things. 


Corduroy pillows are making headlines! 


I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Did you hear about the dyslexic, insomniac, agnostic?
He lay awake at night wondering if there was a Dog.

Tiger Jokes

What does Tiger Woods have in common with baby seals?

They both get clubbed by Norwegians.

  

 

That's the first time Tiger Woods has failed to drive 300 yards.

 

  

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree – he couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

Perhaps Tiger should have used a driver.

 

 

 

I find it's a nightmare driving at 2.05am – sometimes you can't see the Woods for the trees.

 

 

Tiger's wife went for him over a birdie.

 

  

What was the second worst part of Tiger's car accident?

The police found the driver in the trunk.

 

  

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? 

They went clubbing.

 

  

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? 

Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

 

Texas Justice

A woman was called in front of a Texas grand jury for manslaughter after she shot a mugger 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse. 

He grabbed the purse and ran, she had her hand on the gun in it, and was left with the revolver in her hand. 

When asked by the grand jury why she shot the man 6 times in the back as he was running away, she replied under oath: 

"Because when I pulled the trigger the 7th time it only went click" 

Acquitted all charges.

Hunter shoots wife

Whilst cleaning his rifle a hunter accidentally shoots his wife. 

In his moment of horror and distress he immediately dials 111.

Hunter: 

''It's my wife! 

I've accidentally shot her. 

I've killed her! 

It's horrible. 

Help me. 

What should I do?''

Operator: 

''Please calm down Sir.

I have dealt with many such accidents. 

This situation may not be as serious as it first appears.

Can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

*click* *BANG*

Hunter: 

''Okay, done that. What next?''

They Walk Among Us!

No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG - www.avg.com
Version: 8.5.424 / Virus Database: 270.14.47/2478 - Release Date: 11/03/09 07:36:00

How about these . . . .

They Walk Among Us & Many Work Retail

 I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her & told her that she had made a mistake in MY favour.  She became indignant & informed me she was Educated & knew what she was doing, & returned the money again. I gave her the Money back...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.

 I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl & she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free," she said, "so I guess they're both free"
 She handed me my free Lattes & I walked out the door.

 While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
 When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, & has for sometime, she shook her head & said, "Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff."

 I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call centre. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call centre was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

 My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

 My friends & I were on a beer run & noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% & gave us a 20% discount.

 I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office & told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled & told me not to worry because she was a trained professional & I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"


 While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man Ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone & the cook asked Him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

Probably the Funniest Cat Video You'll Ever See

The Irish Blonde

The Irish Blonde

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet Twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope
you Don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude..'

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed 'YES,YES, I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her Clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumb founded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are stupid; not all blondes are dumb; but all men are men