Texas Justice

A woman was called in front of a Texas grand jury for manslaughter after she shot a mugger 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse. 

He grabbed the purse and ran, she had her hand on the gun in it, and was left with the revolver in her hand. 

When asked by the grand jury why she shot the man 6 times in the back as he was running away, she replied under oath: 

"Because when I pulled the trigger the 7th time it only went click" 

Acquitted all charges.

Hunter shoots wife

Whilst cleaning his rifle a hunter accidentally shoots his wife. 

In his moment of horror and distress he immediately dials 111.

Hunter: 

''It's my wife! 

I've accidentally shot her. 

I've killed her! 

It's horrible. 

Help me. 

What should I do?''

Operator: 

''Please calm down Sir.

I have dealt with many such accidents. 

This situation may not be as serious as it first appears.

Can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

*click* *BANG*

Hunter: 

''Okay, done that. What next?''

They Walk Among Us!

No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG - www.avg.com
Version: 8.5.424 / Virus Database: 270.14.47/2478 - Release Date: 11/03/09 07:36:00

How about these . . . .

They Walk Among Us & Many Work Retail

 I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her & told her that she had made a mistake in MY favour.  She became indignant & informed me she was Educated & knew what she was doing, & returned the money again. I gave her the Money back...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.

 I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl & she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free," she said, "so I guess they're both free"
 She handed me my free Lattes & I walked out the door.

 While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
 When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, & has for sometime, she shook her head & said, "Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff."

 I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call centre. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call centre was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

 My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

 My friends & I were on a beer run & noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% & gave us a 20% discount.

 I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office & told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled & told me not to worry because she was a trained professional & I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"


 While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man Ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone & the cook asked Him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

Probably the Funniest Cat Video You'll Ever See

The Irish Blonde

The Irish Blonde

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet Twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope
you Don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude..'

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed 'YES,YES, I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her Clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumb founded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are stupid; not all blondes are dumb; but all men are men

Fat Naked Terminator

How to survive a shark attack

1. DON'T SWIM IN THE OCEAN
Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in exceptionally large bodies of water also known as oceans. The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the water. If it's salty don't go in.

2. LISTEN OUT FOR THE MUSIC
In the event that you are foolish enough to swim in an ocean, listen carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvellous documentary film Jaws. All shark attacks are preceded by the "daah-da, daah-da" chords, which will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets closer. This is due to the Doppler Effect.

3. SWIM WITH FAT PEOPLE
Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions. If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan lotion with Daddies Sauce. This will definitely improve your odds.

4. DON'T GO INTO THE WATER WITHOUT A KNIFE
This is not to defend yourself but to stab the person (aka the decoy) closest to you in the case of a shark attack. Once you are sure the "decoy" is bleeding profusely... swim for your freakin' life.

5. DON'T PANIC
In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm. This really won't help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will appreciate you not shrieking madly, as this is quite unsettling and can really spoil a wonderful day out. Remember it's not always about you!