Knitting for Psychos

Strange but true Warnings

On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.

On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.  DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) DO NOT TURN UPSIDE
DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.  (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)

On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm
curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts - INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)

On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (!)

On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

Stop Sign

Slinkies

Stealth Fighter

Great guy's present

A Wise Old Head

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man said "By cheque, but I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds, and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the WEEKEND I had!"