A Redneck and His Dog

One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The redneck said it was his.

'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The redneck replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs bred.'

'No way,' said the redneck. 'That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin'.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!'

(You gotta love this)



The redneck looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'

The Rancher

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.  She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. 

 

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

 

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around  the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long  hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

 

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.  Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

 

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.   One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.

 

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room,  he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.  

 

She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.  Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.'  He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.'   He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.'  He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.'   Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

 

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired !'

Blondes and Crocs

A blonde was on holiday and driving through Darwin. She desperately wanted
to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay
the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of
one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then maybe I'll just go
out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free."

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and
give it a try!"

The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the
side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in
the murky water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge three metre croc swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning speed, she takes the aim, kills the creature and hauls it
onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were seven more of the dead
creatures, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

The blonde struggled and flipped the croc onto its back. Rolling her eyes
heavenward and screaming in frustration, she shouts out..."Damn damn damn
damn damn! This one's barefoot, too!"

Chooks

Redneck Love Poem

Susie Lee done fell in love,
She planned to marry Joe;
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, Susie Gal
You'll have to find another,
I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know
But, Joe is yo' half brother.

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will,
But after telling Pappy this
He said, "There's trouble still.

You can't marry Will, my Gal,
And please don't tell you' Mother,
But Will and Joe, and several mo'
I know is your half brother."

But Mama knew and said, my Child,
Just do what makes yo' happy,
Marry Will or marry Joe,
You ain't no kin to Pappy.

Rules for the Grill!!

BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....


(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking
efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

Why men don't write advice columns

Dear Brian:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34 , and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Anne
-----
Dear Anne:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses onthe intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty,causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Brian