99 Different ways to say Boobs!

Management Course Lessons

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings..

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'



Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders, in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure



Lesson 2:


A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the   Bahamas  , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch.'


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.




Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree..

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..



Lesson 6


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate..

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Seniors

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% 
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' 
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. 
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!' 


Two elderly gentlemen

 from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' 
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.' 


An elderly couple

 had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives                            left the table and went into the kitchen. 
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.' 
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' 
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? 
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 
'Do you mean a rose?' 
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' 

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. 
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. 
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.' 


Couple in their nineties

 are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember… 
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 
'Sure..' 
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 
'No, I can remember it.' 
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. 
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' 
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. 
'Where's my toast ?' 


A senior citizen

 said to his eighty-year old buddy: 
'So I hear you're getting married?' 
'Yep!' 
'Do I know her?' 
'Nope!' 
'This woman, is she good looking?' 
'Not really.' 
'Is she a good cook?' 
'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 
'Does she have lots of money?' 
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 
'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 
'I don't know.' 
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 
'Because she can still drive!' 


Three old guys

 are out walking. 
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' 
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' 
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..' 


A man

 was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect..' 
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?' 
'Twelve thirty..' 


Morris

, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. 
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. 
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' 
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful..'' 
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' 


And 

One more. .... .! 
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. 
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.' 

Elderly man...........thinking on his feet

An  elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm  for several years.

He had a large pond  in the back. It was properly shaped for  swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic  tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and  peach trees.

One evening the old farmer  decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't  been there for a while, and look it  over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to  bring back some fruit.

As he neared the  pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with  glee. 

As he came closer, he saw it  was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his  pond.

He made the women aware of his  presence and they all went to the deep  end.

One of the women shouted to him,  'we're not coming out until you leave!' 

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down  here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you  get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the  bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the  alligator...'

Some  old men can still think fast. 

Golf cart mahem

Slinkies...

Some people are like Slinkies...... They're really good for nothing but still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs!

First grade school teacher-----

A 1stgrade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class.  She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb & asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.  It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.  Their insight may surprise you.   While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders,6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic! 1. Don't change horses until they stop running. 2. Strike while the bug is close. 3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time. 4. Never underestimate the power of termites. 5. You can lead a horse to water but How? 6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty. 7. No news is impossible 8. A miss is as good as a Mr. 9. You can't teach an old dog new Math 10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning. 11. Love all, trust Me. 12. The pen is mightier than the pigs. 13. An idle mind is the best way to relax. 14. Where there's smoke there's pollution. 15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents. 16. A penny saved is not much. 17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers. 18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed. 19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose. 20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder. 21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded. 22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries. 23. You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box 24. When the blind lead the blind  get out of the way. 25. A bird in the hand   is going to poop on you.                        And the WINNER and last one!   26. Better late than Pregnant

Yo Mama!

Your momma is so ugly... she'd give a starving hyena the dry heaves!

Irish Jokes

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife.  The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."  Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't even at home yesterday.

 

 Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a tractor.  Mick says, "Jesus Paddy,what ya doing?"  Paddy says,  "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attract her.....

 

 Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.  Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?.  Paddy replies, -  I'll take her with me!

 

 Paddy & Mick find three hand grenades, so they take them to a police station.  Mick:  "What if one explodes before we get there?"  Paddy:  "We'll lie and say we only found two."

 

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him.  "Did you find the shampoo?"  Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."