Thursday, July 12, 2007

Words with Alternate meanings

The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries:
  • Coffee (n.) a person who is coughed upon.
  • Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained.
  • Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
  • Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.
  • Willy-nilly (adj.) impotent
  • Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
  • Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.
  • Gargoyle (n.) an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
  • Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
  • Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.
  • Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an exam.
  • Rectitude (n.) the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
  • Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
  • Circumvent (n.) the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
  • Frisbeetarianism (n.) The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
  • Pokemon (n) A Jamaican paroctologist.
  • Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.
  • Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
  • Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
  • Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
  • Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
  • Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
  • Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
  • Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)
  • Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
  • Glibido: All talk and no action.
  • Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you have been smoking marijuana.

And, the pick of the year:
  • Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole

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