Friday, January 25, 2008

More Quotes

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."Author Unknown

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." Jeff Foxworthy

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." Dave Barry

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." Bob Ettinger

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in thelake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teachyou how to swim."Paula Poundstone

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men." I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Huh?"Conan O'Brien

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness.... I could be eating a slow learner." Lynda Montgomery

"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner."Roseanne

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" Richard Jeni

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."Johnny Carson

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."Paul Rodriguez

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law."Jerry Seinfeld

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" Warren Hutcherson

"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."Oscar Wilde

"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet."Mae West

"Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress .... But I repeat myself."Mark Twain

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."A. Whitney Brown

"Women complain about pre-menstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."Roseanne

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" Dave Barry

"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."George Carlin

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." Lewis Grizzard

Advice for the day: If you have a lot a tension and you get a headache,do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep awayfrom children"Author Unknown

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."Drew Carey

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Clarksonism's

"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases."

Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom."

"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you've got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."

"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."

About the Porsche Cayman S: "There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean."

"...the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany."

"America: 250 million w****rs living in a country with no word for w****r."

On the Alfa Romeo Brera... "I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather and I'm nursing a semi!"

Clarkson on the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s" and ends with "t" and its not "soot".
Hammond: "So its fairly terrible then?"
Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league of badness!"

"some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people - and that he long before anyone else realised that Jade Goody is a racist pig faced waste of blood and organs............all we know, is that he's called the Stig!"

"the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite."

"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's what gets you."

"The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw."

"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"

"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler."

(Fed up during the caravanning trip): "You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"

(Mercedes CLS55): "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."

"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"

Clarksons highway code on cyclists: "trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."

"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating N**i."

"Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair access."

"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"

On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French Air Force crashing into a firework factory."

"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the tailgate..."

"In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was."

"the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them."

Assessing Hammond's crash: Clarkson: "you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. Now why didn't you spot that?!"
Hammond: "I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph."
Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, but if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"

"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved...for a murderer."

"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time."

"There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face."

"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face."

"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."

"you can't have this car with a diesel, its like saying, I wont go to stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lapdance, she's a woman!"

"Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President."

Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne! "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."

Monday, January 14, 2008

Australian Etiquette

IN GENERAL

1.. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2.. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3.. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
4.. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5.. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your
Ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT

1.. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as
not to bruise the wine.
2.. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1.. A centre piece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2.. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1.. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private,
using one's OWN Ute keys.
2.. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3.. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4.. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of
finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your
jewellery.

DATING

1.. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.
2.. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out
with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."
3.. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say
11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the
man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE

1.. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie
ends.
2.. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1.. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your
popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)
3.. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a
clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4.. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1.. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun is loaded
and the roo is in your rifle sight.
2.. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't
always have the right of way.
3.. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4.. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask
her to bring back beer too.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Jeremy Clarkson for PM

Ripped this off Kiwi Biker - someone must have ripped it off from somewhere else...

Some of his views would make Genghis Khan blush, but as one of our most outspoken TV personalities, Jeremy Clarkson has built up a devoted following who tune in to Top Gear not only for the cars, but for his scabrous wit.

Now, more than 28,000 have signed a Downing Street petition for Clarkson to be declared Prime Minister.

Here, in the spirit of fun - and with apologies for bad taste and to the man himself - LEO McKINSTRY imagines Clarkson's manifesto.

1 ENCOURAGE GLOBAL WARMING
Britons will be encouraged, through discounts and tax relief, to drive 4x4s, Jaguars and BMWs. Not only will this give a valuable boost to our oil industry, but it will encourage climate change. And what's not to like about global warming? Holland gets flooded and we get California's weather. That's what I call a win/win situation.

2 ABOLISH CRICKET
How can we take seriously a sport that stops for afternoon tea and whose followers wear striped blazers and bray like horses? Let's face it, we have been rubbish at cricket for years, so we should put an end to the endless cycle of misery in summer. My Government will bring back proper sports, such as jousting and bear-baiting.

3 END THE SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP
The only thing special about our link with the U.S. is the amount of grovelling we do. My Government will stop acting as if Britain is the 51st state of the union. The last time I went across the Atlantic, I found people so stupid I'm convinced their nearest living relative must be a gherkin. They're the sort of people who can't read a road sign without moving their lips. Plus their cars are about as sexy as Ann Widdecombe's armpit.

4 BAN HEALTH & SAFETY
The safety bureaucrats are the abominable no-men, constantly dreaming up new reasons to abolish fun and hobble business. With their silly regulations, they have done more damage to British industry than the Luftwaffe. They are the human equivalent of a Lada. But at least you could drive a Lada off a cliff.

5 DEAL WITH YOUTH CRIME
It's true that some juvenile oiks come from broken homes where parents have all the child-rearing skills of King Herod. But let's stop making excuses. These delinquents have been creating mayhem for too long. They need to be taught some fear. Looking down the barrel of a sub-machine gun in a prison camp on the Outer Hebrides might do the trick.

6 REMOVE SPEED CAMERAS
Thanks to mass immigration, urban traffic moves at the speed of an arthritic snail. But still motorists are bullied by the rash of speed cameras, which are nothing more than a revenue-raising device. Serious criminals do not have to put up with this level of surveillance. My Government will tear down cameras and raise the motorway speed limit to 150mph.

7 TEACH BRITISH HISTORY
Pupils are taught to feel ashamed of their past, our national flag is treated as an embarrassment, our heritage as a source of shame. My Government would end this cultural cringe. The only problem with the Empire is that it wasn't big enough and didn't last long enough.

8 GET OUT OF IRAQ
Our involvement in Iraq has been the most misguided foreign adventure since Napoleon said: "I hear Moscow's nice at this time of year." As Prime Minister, I will bring back every British soldier and let the Iraqis get on with the national pastime of killing each other. And I'll put His Tonyness on trial for crimes against humanity and the Armed Services.

9 BRING BACK THE STOCKS
Despite Big Brother, there isn't enough humiliation in public life for those who deserve it. The medieval authorities had the right idea. The Beckhams will be the first in the stocks, followed by the chairman of the Health & Safety Executive.

10 END RECYCLING HELL
Putting out the rubbish used to be a simple task. Thanks to the tyrants of green officialdom, it has been turned into a nightmare. Placing the wrong garbage in the wrong bin is regarded as worse than mugging a granny. My Government will restore sanity by providing everyone with a bin the size of Bernard Manning, which will be emptied twice a week.

11 BANISHWALES
In my new-look Britain, Wales will be forced to go independent. Any country that has produced Neil Kinnock, Max Boyce and Charlotte Church does not deserve to remain in the UK.

12 AND EAST ANGLIA
That boring lump of flatness stretching out into the North Sea will have no place in Clarkson's Britain either. Then all those tiresome luvvies with second homes in Norfolk and Suffolk can have the thrill of going to a foreign country without flying to Tuscany.

13 BAN DIESEL CARS
A diesel has all the excitement of a vegan dinner party. It might be good for you, but so is cod liver oil. The same goes for lowemission cars such as the Toyota Prius. Feeling self-righteous as you tootle around at 10mph may earn you Brownie points with the knit-your-own-lentil brigade, but to the rest of the world, you look like a sanctimonious idiot.

14 END HUMAN RIGHTS
Under my Government, the rights of ordinary British citizens will have a higher priority than those of Islamic terrorists, Somalian gang-leaders and knife-wielding thugs. Homosexual pornography for deranged serial killers will not be regarded as a human right, nor will multi-million pound fees for hypocritical Leftwing lawyers milking the system.

15 KICK OUT BUREAUCRATS
The former U.S. President Ronald Reagan once said that the state was like a baby's alimentary canal: endless appetite at one end and utter irresponsibility at the other. My Government will reduce taxes by cracking down on all pen-sucking, paper-pushing jobsworths, outreach counsellors and parking enforcers, equality officers and drugs co-ordinators. Those who resist will be fed very, very slowly into their own office shredders.

16 FREEDOM TO SMOKE
In my Britain, smoking will no longer be seen as a crime against humanity. In fact, cigarettes will be encouraged in order to reduce the burden on the NHS and state pensions. After all, smokers perform a valuable public services by paying extortionate taxation, then generally failing to reach old age. The Marlboro Man has done more for our economy than any Chancellor.

17 BRITISH INDEPENDENCE
We fought the last war for our independence, and now we're under the heel of the unelected eurocrats of Brussels. Under my rule, Britain will withdraw from the EU, so we will no longer be governed by a bunch of sausage-eating Germans, French cheese-eating surrender monkeys and kebab-swallowing Greeks.

18 NO MORE COOL BRITANNIA
Cool is just a fancy word for pretentious or unpopular. The Clarkson Downing Street will not be interested in appearing "cool". Instead, my team will be encouraged to listen to Seventies rock music and wear figure-hugging blue jeans, no matter what their age.

19 CRACKDOWN ON CYCLISTS
Cycling is just as dreary as recycling and twice as pointless. My Government will come down heavily on this sanctimonious activity by introducing new taxes on Lycra, plastic helmets and the bicycles themselves. Altogether now: "Four wheels good, two wheels bad."

20 PUBLIC EXECUTIONS
Only those without any romantic sense of the richness of British history could pretend not to miss the public hangings at Newgate. The restoration of judicial killings before a cheering crowd would not only bring back some muchneeded colour to British life, but would also give the doomed prisoner the satisfaction of a brief burst of celebrity.

MY CABINET
CHANCELLOR: Ken Dodd - very sound on taxation.
MINISTER OF TRANSPORT: Richard Hammond - a man with the right sense of priorities when it comes to modes of travel.
HOME SECRETARY: Henry Cooper - a knockout for criminals.
CABINET SECRETARY: Heidi Klum - no Cabinet meeting would ever be boring with the presence of the supermodel.
MINISTER FOR FOOD & DRINK: Keith Floyd - no more puritan lectures about alcohol units.
FOREIGN SECRETARY: Boris Johnson - diplomacy is his middle name.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

A few one-liners

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin  unprotected.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Anyone who says 'Easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried it.

"Not a Morning Person" doesn't even begin to cover it.

Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.

"Happiness is a warm puppy", said the Anaconda.

A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act them out.

On the other hand, you also have 5 fingers.

Say it with flowers - Give her a triffid.

Consider what might be fertilizing the greener grass across the fence.

I hate laundry month.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

My computer NEVER cras

If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you have it made.

Living on Earth includes an annual free trip around the Sun.

Not many people realize just how well known I am.

Should I weed the lawn or say it's a garden?

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday

VD is nothing to clap about.

Next time you wave at me, use more than one finger, please.

668 - Neighbour of the Beast

All stressed out, and no one to choke...

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Get the facts first - you can distort them later!

As a matter of fact, no, I don't have a life.

Blood is thicker than water, and tastier.

Did you expect mere proof to sway my opinion?

He's dead Jim. Grab his tricorder. I'll get his wallet.

If it has feelings, it's not cooked enough!

Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise

If it screams it's not food......yet

Don't play stupid with me! I'm better at it.

Eat Crap! 10 Trillion flies can't be wrong

Fat person: Nutritional Overachiever

I've been seduced by the chocolate side of the force.

Winter is nature's way of saying "up yours".

Air is water with holes in it.

Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C: mean?

I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth, the doctor scolded my mother on her poor choice of IUDs.

I miss my ex..... but my aim is getting better

Men have a keener sense of humour than women.  The more they humour us, the more we like it.

Marriage is a great institution; but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I intend to live forever - so far so good.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

I started out with nothing. I still have most of it.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me.  It's the sudden stop at the end.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Some folks talk so much that you can get hoarse from just listening.

My wife and I have a perfect understanding; I don't try to run her life and I don't try to run mine.

Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

FAITH CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS - she's a big girl.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.

Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

Love is grand.  Divorce is at least 20 grand.

Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?

Not all women are annoying. Some are dead.

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

Smart is when you only believe half of what you hear. Brilliant is when you know which half to believe.

First God created man....then he got a better idea.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Cats... the other white meat.

I think animal testing is a terrible thing. They get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Outside of a dog, man's best friend is a good book.  Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

When the cat's away.....you won't have to change the litter box

Friends help you move.  Real friends help you move bodies.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals then why are they made of meat?

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

We have a enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART

Women who seek to be the equal to men lack ambition.

The Spanner

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You ****ing b*stard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I  will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt!  Now what is the problem?"

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that b*stard and every time I asked to borrow a ***ing   spanner, he said he didn't have one!"

Speaking Clock

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat.  After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.

"How does it work?"

"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For**** sake, you *****, it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!"

Body Pain

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.  She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.  Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"

She says "No, I'm really a blonde".

"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."

Irish Border Security

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. 

Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them:  "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four."

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five  persons."

"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four.You   have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

Offensive language

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues. Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1. Try Saying: I think you could do with more training

Instead Of: You don't have a f*cking clue, do you?

2. Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter.

Instead Of: She's a f*cking power-crazy b*tch

3. Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late

Instead Of: And when the f*ck do you expect me to do this?

4. Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible

Instead Of: F*ck off a*se-wipe

5. Try Saying: Really?

Instead Of: Well f*ck me backwards with a telegraph pole

6. Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with...

Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a f*ck.

7. Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project.

Instead Of: Not my f*cking problem, mate.

8. Try Saying: That's interesting.

Instead Of: What the f*ck?

9. Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.

Instead Of: No f*cking chance mate.

10. Try Saying: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in

Instead Of: Why the f*ck didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11. Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issues

Instead Of: He's got his head up his f*cking a*se.

12. Try Saying: Excuse me, sir?

Instead Of: Oi, f*ck face.

13. Try Saying: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway

Instead Of: Yeah, who needs f*cking holidays anyway.