Masculine Philosophy

The  Journey of Man

When  I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a  girlfriend.
         
When I was 16 I got a  girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate  girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a  passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency;  she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I  decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I  was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally  predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull  that I decided that I needed a girl with some  excitement.

When  I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She  rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did  mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was  great fun initially and very energetic, but had no direction. So I  decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I  turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly  on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me  and took everything I owned.

I am now older and  wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

Global Facts

The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:

Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.

Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.

Fact: 37,000,000 are getting/giving oral sex.

Fact: 1 lonely f*cker is reading emails...

- You hang in there sunshine! 
  
 

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

& Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

& Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

& Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

& Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

& Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

& Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

& Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

& Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

& Law of Bio mechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

& Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

& The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

& Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

& Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

& Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

& Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

& Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

& Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

& Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

& Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

The Cabbie & the Nun

A cabbie picks up a Nun.  She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.  He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me.  When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.  I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:  #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says.  "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned.  I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK.  My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."