A few one-liners

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin  unprotected.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Anyone who says 'Easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried it.

"Not a Morning Person" doesn't even begin to cover it.

Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.

"Happiness is a warm puppy", said the Anaconda.

A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act them out.

On the other hand, you also have 5 fingers.

Say it with flowers - Give her a triffid.

Consider what might be fertilizing the greener grass across the fence.

I hate laundry month.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

My computer NEVER cras

If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you have it made.

Living on Earth includes an annual free trip around the Sun.

Not many people realize just how well known I am.

Should I weed the lawn or say it's a garden?

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday

VD is nothing to clap about.

Next time you wave at me, use more than one finger, please.

668 - Neighbour of the Beast

All stressed out, and no one to choke...

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Get the facts first - you can distort them later!

As a matter of fact, no, I don't have a life.

Blood is thicker than water, and tastier.

Did you expect mere proof to sway my opinion?

He's dead Jim. Grab his tricorder. I'll get his wallet.

If it has feelings, it's not cooked enough!

Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise

If it screams it's not food......yet

Don't play stupid with me! I'm better at it.

Eat Crap! 10 Trillion flies can't be wrong

Fat person: Nutritional Overachiever

I've been seduced by the chocolate side of the force.

Winter is nature's way of saying "up yours".

Air is water with holes in it.

Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C: mean?

I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth, the doctor scolded my mother on her poor choice of IUDs.

I miss my ex..... but my aim is getting better

Men have a keener sense of humour than women.  The more they humour us, the more we like it.

Marriage is a great institution; but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I intend to live forever - so far so good.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

I started out with nothing. I still have most of it.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me.  It's the sudden stop at the end.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Some folks talk so much that you can get hoarse from just listening.

My wife and I have a perfect understanding; I don't try to run her life and I don't try to run mine.

Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

FAITH CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS - she's a big girl.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.

Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

Love is grand.  Divorce is at least 20 grand.

Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?

Not all women are annoying. Some are dead.

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

Smart is when you only believe half of what you hear. Brilliant is when you know which half to believe.

First God created man....then he got a better idea.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Cats... the other white meat.

I think animal testing is a terrible thing. They get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Outside of a dog, man's best friend is a good book.  Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

When the cat's away.....you won't have to change the litter box

Friends help you move.  Real friends help you move bodies.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals then why are they made of meat?

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

We have a enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART

Women who seek to be the equal to men lack ambition.