Military retirement bonus

The American Navy found they  had too many officers and decided
to offer an early retirement bonus.  They promised any officer who
volunteered for retirement a bonus of  $1,000 for every inch measured
in a straight line between any two  points in his body. The officer got
to choose what those two points  would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be  measured from the top of
his head to the tip of his toes. He was  measured at six feet and walked
out with a bonus of $72,000.  

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked  to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.  He walked
out with $96,000.

The third one was a  non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who,
when asked where  he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of
my willy to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he
might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the  previous
two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go
along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and  instructed the Chief to "drop 'em", which
he did. The medical  officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the
Chief's willy and  began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly
exclaimed, "Where  are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."  

Maori Technology

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the POMS, in the weeks that followed, Australian scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the Aussie newspapers read: "Australian archaeologists have found traces of 150 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Brits.

One week later, Maori TV reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in his backyard in Te Kuiti, Hone Waiata, a King Country Kaumatua, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Hone has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Maori had already gone wireless.

Condom sales

A man was in a long line at Wal-Mart.
As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so
he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?'

The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants.
He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom,
'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up
for a cheap thrill.

When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too ha d
forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the
register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. S he asked him to
drop his pants. He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of
medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was
way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so
he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.? She asked him to drop
his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze,
then picked up the intercom and said...


(you'll love this one...................)



'Cleanup, Register 5'

Tree Hugging

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'

'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.

'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'

'No, would you like to give it a try?'

Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...'

So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewellery, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?'

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, 'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...'

Romantic Scots

Who said Scots Romance is dead! These are REAL ADS from the
lonely-hearts column.

Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone,
Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango
sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion.
Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08

Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box06/03

Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested
in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on
Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82.

Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancée
seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in
this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box /41

Ginger-haired Paisley troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a
few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe
more Box 84/87

Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach,
writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes,
seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we
bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy
journey. Strong stomach essential Box 12/32

Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will
include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social
functions. References required. No timewasters. Box 3/45

Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old ******* living in a damp cottage in the
arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big
chest. Box 40/27

Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and
dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering
dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
Box 52/07

Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler
competition at Frampton's Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978,
seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent
comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please!
Box 30/41

Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for
the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm