Friday, March 28, 2008

Hillbilly Dayvorce

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.

The lawyer said, "How can I help you?"
The farmer said, "I want to get one of them dayvorces."
The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres."
The lawyer said, "No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?
The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays."
The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.
The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said,"Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere."
The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?"
The farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30."

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question. The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?"
The farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce."

Words of Love

The mysoginists had a field day !!

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

I thought that I could love no other.
That is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you
But the roses are wilting,
the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty,
and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

Thursday, March 13, 2008

The Decoy

Brilliant!

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Man's Best Friend

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this quick experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, who is really happy to see you!

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

The Death of English?

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the European Union rather
than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-
year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.
In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in
favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have
one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond
year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will
make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag
is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vordskontaining
'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in
ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.