Two Chimps and a Blonde

 

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego  when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man  walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to San Diego?   'Sure,' answered  the blonde, 'do you need a lift?'   'Not for me. I'll be spending the  next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in  the back who have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a  bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day.  Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble.'   'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees  were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and  carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went. Five hours  later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was stunned to see the blond woman; she was walking down the  street holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big  crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to her.  'What the heck are you doing here?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take  these chimpanzees to the zoo.' 'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,'  but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World.'

 

Talking duck

A duck walks into a pub and orders a schooner of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck". "I see your eyes are working", replies the duck. "And you talk!" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?". "I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck. Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!". "Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call". So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!" "Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?" "At the circus", says the barman. "The circus?" the duck enquires. "That's right", replies the barman. "The circus?" the duck asks again. "Yes" says the barman "That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires. "Yeah" the barman replies. "With all the animals?" the duck questioned. "Of Course" the barman replies. "With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck looks confused. "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?"

 

Magic Maths

This is quite an incredible math phenomenon.

Grab a calculator (you won't be able to do this one in your head)

1. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the Area code)
2. Multiply by 80
3. Add 1
4. Multiply by 250
5. Add to this the last 4 digits of your phone number
6. Add to this the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
7. Subtract 250
8. Divide number by 2

Recognise the answer ?