Saturday, June 30, 2007
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Strange but true Warnings
On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.
On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) DO NOT TURN UPSIDE
DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)
On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm
curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts - INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)
On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (!)
On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
Friday, June 15, 2007
A Wise Old Head
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man said "By cheque, but I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds, and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the WEEKEND I had!"
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man said "By cheque, but I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds, and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the WEEKEND I had!"
Conversations between pilots & control towers
· Western 525 (a lady pilot): "Salt Lake departure, Western 525 with you. Can you tell me: Is my transmission fuzzy?"
Salt Lake departure, a split second later: "Don't know. How old are you?"
· Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
· Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
· From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
F......g bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f.......g bored, not f......g stupid!"
· O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this. I've got the little Fokker in sight."
· A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
· A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
· Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
· The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground:"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
Salt Lake departure, a split second later: "Don't know. How old are you?"
· Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
· Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
· From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
F......g bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f.......g bored, not f......g stupid!"
· O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this. I've got the little Fokker in sight."
· A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
· A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
· Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
· The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground:"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
Fwd: Fw: Broken Lawn Mower
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care
of first, ... the truck, the car, playing golf, - always something more
important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home
one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a
tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then
went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I
handed her a toothbrush. I said, when you finish cutting the grass, you
might as well sweep the driveway.
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Moral to this story:
Marriage is a relationship, in which one person is always right, and the
other is the husband.
I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care
of first, ... the truck, the car, playing golf, - always something more
important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home
one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a
tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then
went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I
handed her a toothbrush. I said, when you finish cutting the grass, you
might as well sweep the driveway.
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Moral to this story:
Marriage is a relationship, in which one person is always right, and the
other is the husband.
Saturday, June 9, 2007
Blondes
FORGETFUL BLONDE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
___________________________________
OVERWEIGHT BLONDE
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds". When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow? my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll
tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from all that skipping."
___________________________________
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
___________________________________
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
____________________________________
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
_____________________________________
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
_____________________________________
THE VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
_____________________________________
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde" She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note:
"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
___________________________________
OVERWEIGHT BLONDE
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds". When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow? my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll
tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from all that skipping."
___________________________________
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
___________________________________
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
____________________________________
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
_____________________________________
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
_____________________________________
THE VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
_____________________________________
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde" She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note:
"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"
Engineers
Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when the one said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this very bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted."
Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. But to the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Engineers - Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were playing golf together and found themselves waiting for a particularly slow group of golfers that were in front of them. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.
Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime they want." The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
Engineers - Take Five
Three engineering students were discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. After all - Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it must have been an electrical engineer. Think about the nervous system, it has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Engineers - Take Six
"Normal people...believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."
Engineers - Take Seven
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both." The architect and the artist replied in unison, "Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, this way you can stay longer at work and get some really interesting stuff done."
Engineers - Take Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one whole week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a week and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter with you? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and I will do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look... I'm an engineer. I simply don't have time for a girl friend, but a talking frog ....... that's really cool."
Engineers - Take Nine
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work.
"I think accountants are the easiest to operate on," said the first surgeon. "You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
"I think librarians are the easiest to operate on," said the second. "You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
"I like to operate on electricians," said the third. "You open them up and everything inside is colour-coded."
"I like to operate on lawyers," said the fourth. "They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and asses are fully interchangeable."
"I like engineers," said the fifth. "They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."
Two engineering students were walking across campus when the one said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this very bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted."
Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. But to the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Engineers - Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were playing golf together and found themselves waiting for a particularly slow group of golfers that were in front of them. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.
Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime they want." The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
Engineers - Take Five
Three engineering students were discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. After all - Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it must have been an electrical engineer. Think about the nervous system, it has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Engineers - Take Six
"Normal people...believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."
Engineers - Take Seven
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both." The architect and the artist replied in unison, "Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, this way you can stay longer at work and get some really interesting stuff done."
Engineers - Take Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one whole week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a week and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter with you? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and I will do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look... I'm an engineer. I simply don't have time for a girl friend, but a talking frog ....... that's really cool."
Engineers - Take Nine
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work.
"I think accountants are the easiest to operate on," said the first surgeon. "You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
"I think librarians are the easiest to operate on," said the second. "You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
"I like to operate on electricians," said the third. "You open them up and everything inside is colour-coded."
"I like to operate on lawyers," said the fourth. "They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and asses are fully interchangeable."
"I like engineers," said the fifth. "They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."
Actual Court Statements
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who
had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that
you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and
blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August eighth?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.
had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that
you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and
blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August eighth?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.
Advice from a Vet
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner in from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in a large towel and get partner to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to partner's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, so as to leave the head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the f***ing cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of raw fish. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get partner to drive you to Casualty, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
1. Wrap it in bacon.
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner in from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in a large towel and get partner to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to partner's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, so as to leave the head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the f***ing cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of raw fish. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get partner to drive you to Casualty, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
1. Wrap it in bacon.
Jigsaw Puzzle
Three blondes walk into a bar and ask the bartender for three shots of tequila. He looks at them and says, "OK," and pours their shots. They all clink glasses and and yell "51 days!" Then they proceed to slam the shots, looking very self-satisfied.
They look back to the bartender and decide to order another round. This time they pick up the glasses again and, more gleefully yell, "51 days!"
The bartender finally can't stand wondering what they are talking about and asks them what they mean by 51 days.
One of the blondes looks at him and says, "Well," looking very smug, "we just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It took us only 51 days. And on the box it said 2-4 years!"
They look back to the bartender and decide to order another round. This time they pick up the glasses again and, more gleefully yell, "51 days!"
The bartender finally can't stand wondering what they are talking about and asks them what they mean by 51 days.
One of the blondes looks at him and says, "Well," looking very smug, "we just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It took us only 51 days. And on the box it said 2-4 years!"
Mental Health Hotline
Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press--no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or, after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk with you...
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press--no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or, after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk with you...
Saturday, June 2, 2007
Advice
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
*Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
*The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. *The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
*Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
* Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
* Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
* A fool and his money are soon partying.
* Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
* Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
* How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
*Attempt to get a new car for your spouse....it'll be a great trade!
* Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
* Everybody repeat after me...."We are all individuals."
* Death to all fanatics!
*Guests who kill talk show hosts....On the last Geraldo.
*Chastity is curable, if detected early.
* Don't be sexist; broads hate that!
* Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
* Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
* Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked in jet engines.
* Borrow money from pessimists....they don't expect it back.
* Beware of geeks bearing gifs.
* Half the people you know are below average.
* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
*42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. And finally....
* If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you .............................
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
*Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
*The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. *The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
*Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
* Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
* Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
* A fool and his money are soon partying.
* Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
* Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
* How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
*Attempt to get a new car for your spouse....it'll be a great trade!
* Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
* Everybody repeat after me...."We are all individuals."
* Death to all fanatics!
*Guests who kill talk show hosts....On the last Geraldo.
*Chastity is curable, if detected early.
* Don't be sexist; broads hate that!
* Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
* Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
* Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked in jet engines.
* Borrow money from pessimists....they don't expect it back.
* Beware of geeks bearing gifs.
* Half the people you know are below average.
* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
*42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. And finally....
* If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you .............................
20 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN by Dave Barry
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness"
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. If anybody cares how you dance, feel sorry for them. They need to get a life and learn how to have fun. And notice that people who dance and cut loose once in a while, usually live longer.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
19. Don't think that because a person is having fun, they are drinking to excess. Some people have fun naturally given the moment and you need to find out how they do it.
20. Your friends love you anyway.
Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness"
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. If anybody cares how you dance, feel sorry for them. They need to get a life and learn how to have fun. And notice that people who dance and cut loose once in a while, usually live longer.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
19. Don't think that because a person is having fun, they are drinking to excess. Some people have fun naturally given the moment and you need to find out how they do it.
20. Your friends love you anyway.
Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
So you thought you knew everything!
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second was William Jefferson Clinton.
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
On average people fear spiders more than death.
Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
A snail can sleep for three years.
No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!!
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
All polar bears are left handed.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second was William Jefferson Clinton.
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
On average people fear spiders more than death.
Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
A snail can sleep for three years.
No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!!
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
All polar bears are left handed.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.
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